Laughter-2

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WOMAN TO A FRIEND
"I've been married three times - you know."

"Once to a gynaecologist, but all he wanted to do was to study it. I'm glad to be rid of him"

"Then I married a psychiatrist, but all he wanted to do was talk to it. I'm glad to be rid of him too.”

"I was also married to a stamp collector" she said wistfully, "now him I really miss!"

THE JUDGE…
A drunken judge is going home on a train when he is sick all down his suit.

"Bugger" he thinks, "my wife will kill me for this"

So when he arrives home, he tells his wife another drunk did it.

"I'm really mad about this" he tells her, "but I'll get my own back. He's up before me in my court on Monday - I'll give him three months".

"Mmm", says his wife. "I think you'd better give him six months, dear. He's crapped in your trousers too".

THE MILKMAN…
A man comes home to his wife.

"Gladys", guess what I've just heard? "Our milkman has slept with EVERY woman in this street except one!"

"Mmm" said Gladys thoughtfully, "That'll be that stuck-up bitch at number twenty-eight!"

THE OFFICE JUNIOR…
At 5:30 pm a businessman intercepts the office junior by the paper-shredder.

"Ah Julie" he says, "I'm really glad I caught you. I just don't know how to work this bloody machine, and I absolutely must deal with these priceless documents right now!"

"No problem boss" says Julie, turning on the machine and feeding in the documents.

"Ah thanks", says the executive, "two copies please."

BUMPER STICKERS…
Seen on American Car Bumpers (fenders) just after the second Iraq war.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Seen on an American Car Bumper just after the Ayotollah came to power in Iran and the US embassy there was destroyed.

Protect Turkeys. Roast an Iranian for Thanksgiving

Seen on a US car bumper sticker during the "Monica" Scandal

A survey asked 10,000 US women if they would ever sleep with Bill Clinton.

90% replied - "No - never Again"

EVERYONE LOVES AN ATTORNEY…
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

PROTECTING YOUR DRINK…
A man in a bar suddenly needed a pee, and headed off to the gents leaving his drink on the bar.

When he returned, his glass was empty.

An hour later he needed to go again. "Aha" he thought, and wrote a little note which he propped up against his glass - "I have spit in this drink" it said.

Five minutes later he returned. His note had gone.

"So have I" said its replacement.

THE LUMBERJACK…
Paddy got job as lumberjack.

He reported to the manager's office on his first day. The manager handed him an enormous chainsaw and told him "You have to cut down fifty trees by nightfall, or you don't get paid."

By nightfall on the first day he's cut down 40 trees, and he's absolutely knackered when he gets back to hand in his chainsaw.

"Sorry, says the foreman, you get no pay unless you cut fifty trees."

On the second day he arrives back at the office even more knackered. He's cut 45 trees. Still not enough!

On the third day he arrives back at the office more knackered still. He's cut 48 trees - still not enough!

"I really don't understand it Paddy" said the foreman, "the other lads are doing OK, let's go outside, check out your technique and see what's wrong".

The go outside and the foreman takes Paddy's chainsaw and pulls the cord to start the engine.

"What's that noise?" says Paddy.

THE WITCH…
A man went into a bar and saw another man sitting by the piano.

At the piano was a tiny dwarf about 18 inches tall, playing like a maestro. He was an absolutely brilliant pianist, even though he could hardly reach the keys.

Bloody hell!" exclaimed the new arrival, "I've never seen anything like it, a piano player no more than eighteen inches high. Is he with you?

"Yep" said the man by the piano, "He's mine alright."

"Bloody hell" said the visitor again, "where on earth did you get him?"

"Ah well, it was a mistake really" said the man by the piano. "I helped an old lady carry her shopping from the bus to her house, and when we got there she told me she was very grateful, and because she was a witch, she would grant me one very special wish."

"She granted you a wish" said the visitor, "and you wished for him?" nodding in the direction of the piano playing dwarf.

"No of course I didn't" said the man.

"The trouble was I didn't realise she was deaf. She thought I asked for an eighteen inch pianist!"

RED ADAIR’S COUSIN…
During the first gulf war, dozens of oil wells were set ablaze by the retreating Iraqis. Most were put out fairly quickly, but one really tricky and the Sheikh of Kuwait sent for the legendary “Red” Adair to put out the blaze.

Unfortunately Red was engaged in another blaze elsewhere. “Sod it” said the sheikh to Red’s agent, “now what do I do, this baze is costing me ten million a day and it’s already burned for a week!”

“Well you could try Red’s irish cousin” said the manager, he could probably put the fire out and he’ll only charge you ten million. His name’s “Green” Adair.

So the sheikh got on the ‘phone, and luckily “Green” was available. “I’ll get the next ship” he said.

“Ship?” said the sheikh, “this is urgent,. I’ll send a heavy transport plane to bring you, your crew and all your gear right here”

The next day the plane hove into view, and after circling the blazing well a couple of times, it came in to land a few hundred yards from the fire.

As soon as the wheels stopped turning, the rear cargo doors dropped down and a big green truck shot down the ramp and headed straight for the flames. To the amazement of onlookers, it didn’t stop but drove on, stopping right in the middle of the inferno.

As soon as it stopped, a dozen men leapt out of the doors and began beating at the flames with their jackets. After just a couple of minutes the flames were out. Everybody cheered as a smoke-blackened Green Adair led his men back to the sheikh.

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Laughter Page - 2